The Buzz on Youth Sports

After Games, Don’t Talk about Them
© Jon Buzby, www.JonBuzby.com

Taxi! Taxi!

How many of your kids wish like heck they could call a taxi after a ballgame? I know mine would have quite a few times and offered to pay for it himself. And he probably wanted to take one to the game a few times as well.

I learned very early in my parent-coach role that the last thing he ever wanted to talk about on the way home from his game was the game itself. It didn’t matter whether he played well or poorly, won or lost. He didn’t want to hear my best post-game speech in the car.

And now that he’s in high school and I’m just a parent in the bleachers, it’s still the same.

After a roller hockey game when he was younger, I once went on for five minutes about a few game details (ok, more than a few) that I would have liked to see him do better. I followed my five-minute barrage of hints and ideas with, "You know I’m only trying to help, right?" His response, "Yes, but do we really need to discuss it now? The game is over, let it rest." And you know what, he was right. And by the way, he was seven. I was thirty-two. Who says kids aren’t smart?

So I swore right then and there that I would never talk about a game or practice on the car ride home again. And I haven’t. All I say is, "Good game, you played well." But it sure hasn’t been easy and on more than one occasion I suggested he drive home with his mother.

I don’t mean we never talk about the game. In fact, we always did and still do, even now after his high school games. We just do it when he’s ready and we talk about the things he wants to discuss. I make a point to just listen. Even if I don’t agree with his analysis I don’t say anything unless he asks me my opinion, and then I do tell him my thoughts, whether I think he’ll like them or not. But I also tell him it is just that, my opinion, and he can disagree if he wants and his coach and other parents might also.

What have I learned? That like most adults, kids want to talk when they are ready, and prefer to be supported and listened to rather than lectured and criticized. And you know what? Typically when I just wait for him to want to talk, I get to make the points I wanted to make anyway, just in a very non-threatening manner. He also tends to respond better, whether my comments and thoughts are positive or negative.

Think about your last car ride home from a game. Was the conversation spent talking about all the things that he could have done better (in your opinion) or that you would have liked to see him do different? Or did your chat revolve around what your child wanted to talk about? My guess is the former. After the next game, try the latter.

© 2008 Jon Buzby

Jon Buzby is a successful syndicated columnist and former youth coach. His column, The Buzz on Youth Sports, appears in newspapers and magazines around the country as well as throughout the Internet. His latest books are, "Coaching Kids: It’s More than X’s and O’s" and "Raising a Sports Fanatic." Email your questions or comments to Jon via email or visit his website at www.jonbuzby.com for more information.

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