ASK THE DIVORCE COACH, SUSAN ALLAN

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DIVORCE, THE MARRY-GO-ROUND

Divorce is one of the most challenging experiences you may ever face. During your divorce you will begin to see yourself reflected in a new mirror. You may have evaluated your physical, mental and spiritual growth over the course of your lifetime and divorce, like marriage, will require all three. However, though you cannot see it now, your marriage may have also defined and confined you.

According to Studio City psychotherapist, Frank Zizzo, Ph.D., consultant to The Divorce Forum "Fear of a feeling is always worse than the feeling itself," and that may also be true of your divorce. When a dissolution forces you to move beyond those confines, the true unlimited power of each of you may be released, but only if you are willing to evolve. You may even begin to discover that you have become like the genie in the bottle, unlimited and far more powerful than you ever believed, and this opportunity is the one that makes all the difference for your children, as well as in your own life.

Dear Divorce Coach,

Now that she's agreed to mediate I can stop panicking about all the money going down the drain for attorneys but how do I get the next miracle; sole custody of my daughter?

Sincerely yours,

Caregiver not Share giver

Dear Caregiver,

The same skills that secured you the agreement to mediate will allow you to peacefully discuss what will work best for you, for your wife, and for your daughter. When you let go of "enemy images" and labels and focus on Compassionate Communication SM, you begin to be heard as fair, and calm instead of threatening. When you notice that your thoughts are fearful ones, I urge you to learn "Self-empathy", so that you may bring yourself back to peace and stay calm. Once you can remain calm instead of being easily triggered to fear or anger, you may begin to consider your wife's feelings and needs so that instead of an argument you can generate cooperation and begin to calmly consider what works for the entire family.

Sincerely,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I know my husband is a wonderful man and a great father but he has been very angry at me about the money I spend. I'm furious at him because he has a female "friend" and he swears that's all she is but I don't believe him. I have asked him repeatedly to stop talking to her and he told me twice, "I will". But, he also says he doesn't feel that I have the right to tell him who he can and can't speak to. Neither one of us wants to go through a divorce but I will if it is the only solution. My mother tells me that once he does lie, he will never stop, so what can I do?

Sincerely yours,

Trusted or Busted

Dear Trusted,

I can imagine how worried you feel about trusting your husband's fidelity. You may also feel scared to disconnect from him and angry that you feel so vulnerable about your financial future. While your strategy of "either 'or!" is traditional, it rarely works! Both you and your husband enjoy the freedom to do what you want to do when you want to do it; you with finances and your husband with friends. And it sounds as if both of you feel equally frustrated when you are told what to do; have I understood? A turn-around for your marriage requires that just one of you learns to calm yourself down before reacting with words, or spending, or intimacy outside of marriage. When you have accomplished that, you create a true union.

Sincerely,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

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